On Fire

The professional role I hold this year supports several elementary schools. Earlier in the year, I was washing my hands in a new-to-me staff restroom (singing “Happy Birthday” twice in my head to ensure I had washed all the Covid and other germs off properly). When I reached over to grab a brown, scratchy paper towel that really just moves the water around your hands and doesn’t so much absorb the water, I noticed a phrase taped to the paper towel dispenser. Printed on hot pink cardstock, laminated, and cut out in a speech bubble, it said: I can do anything but not everything.

In that moment, I was so appreciative for this reminder...affirmation...new thinking. I often struggle with all-or-nothing, perfectionist thinking. This phrase helped me see my abilities and capabilities differently. I can do anything. Yes. I believe I can do anything with enough knowledge, time, and will. But, can I do everything simultaneously? HARD. NO.

At some point in the recent past, I read about The Spoon Theory for the first time. Now, I am not equating a typical person’s day-to-day life and struggles to a person that has a chronic illness (which is what the spoon theory was created to illustrate). However, I do find connections and crossovers that I think might be applicable to lots of people. What’s true for me is that I only have so much to go around, so many spoons to dole out. And once they’ve been used up for the day, that’s it.

Within the last month, I was scrolling on Facebook and stopped on a question posed in a mom’s group. The OP asked something like: Moms! How do you do it all?! As a mom who fails to "do it all" on the regular, I clicked into the comments to read the wisdom, hoping to find some magic. One mom wisely shared that she doesn’t do it all. She only has so much time and energy available. So, some stuff gets intentionally dropped, but she rotates what she drops each day. One day, she might get the laundry washed, dried, and put away, but that day cleaning the bathrooms gets dropped. A different day she might make that work deadline on time, but creating individual treat baggies for the preschooler’s class party might get dropped. This resonated in me and reflects my daily reality.

The phrase, “I can do anything but not everything,” often flies to the forefront of my brain, especially in moments of overwhelm. There certainly have been a lot of those over this past year. When things get to be too much, when the last spoon has been used up and someone is asking for more sugar, I know something has to go. I’ve got to decide what to intentionally drop in order to give that energy to something more pressing.

As I reflected on my week and feelings, another phrase surface:

I’ve thought about this notion repeatedly over the past few days. Do I agree with it? Yes, in theory. But, sometimes, other people need to be kept warm. Sometimes, we must stand in the gap others are unable to fill. Sometimes, we must sacrifice ourselves for the good of someone else. This I know to be true as a wife, mother, daughter, friend, educator. 

So, what does it all mean? Where is the balance? What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to make sense of it all? How can I meet the demands of my life with a limited amount of resources without setting myself on fire?

I just don’t know yet. But, what I know for sure is that I need to learn how to set boundaries in a real hurry. I feel like I don’t even know where to start with this, but I know it must be done. There is so much in my past that falsely taught me that boundaries are selfish, that I am not my own person worthy of knowing or setting any boundary of any kind. Setting yourself on fire is what women do, my damaged brain says.

Today, I don’t have it all sorted out and wrapped in a bow. I have a long way to go in this area. It feels daunting. But, I know that if I don’t put in the effort to learn how to set boundaries, I will continue to burn and smolder. Then, nothing will be left but ash.