Turning Towards

Last fall, my team and I read Jim Knight’s book Better Conversations. In it, he dives into the process of making emotional connections and cites research from Gottman and DeClaire.

Gottman and DeClaire describe bids as "the fundamental unit of emotional connection." They explain that "we 'turn toward' someone who offers us an emotional bid when we respond positively toward that invitation."

I have thought about these ideas countless times over the past months. How true is this bidding, turning towards / away / against. This concept rings true with relationships (which was the original context). I find it also applies in other contexts, as well. Finances, writing, learning, yourself. If you want an area of your life to improve, turn towards it. There doesn’t necessarily have to be big sweeping changes all at once for progress to happen. You just have to turn towards the thing you are curious about or want to make better.

This is a new way of thinking and being for me. Perfectionist in recovery coupled with my sometimes all-in mentality does not automatically spell success for just turning towards and making micro-moves. But, this lens for approaching the world is quite useful. And DOABLE.

For example, I read Jen Hatmaker’s new book Simple and Free last week. She quotes research from Michael Pollan about animal products and the benefits for our bodies and our Earth of consuming less of them. I turned towards my piqued interest and curiosity around this subject of which I knew basically nothing. Off to Google I went. I read a little bit about what constitutes an animal product and also read reviews of Pollan’s book that Jen cited (In Defense of Food: An Eater’s Manifesto). The next day, I was still thinking about these new ideas, and instead of dismissing them, or turning away from them or against them, I turned towards them. I ordered Pollan’s book from Thrift Books, and I started Pinteresting vegan recipes. Fast forward a week and many more “turning towards” moments, and I ate completely vegan today.

(A potentially fun little teaser: I’ve already begun planning a whole blog series starting next month on veganism. All because I turned towards it - and towards my writing which I haven’t done in a long, long time.)

Recently, I saw a podcast interview with Jacqueline Woodson centered around her latest book Red at the Bone. (Highly recommend.) The interviewer asked her where the stories come from. Woodson said (and I’m paraphrasing) that she sits down to write and lets the stories come to her. She lets the stories tell themselves. I think this displays another example of turning towards. She opens herself up to accept the characters and stories that want to be told. She turns towards, and we all reap the dazzling benefits.

The act of turning towards someone or something can be scary. It requires vulnerability. It requires curiosity and hope. It requires a willingness and openness to be changed by what happens next. This turning towards can lead to wonderful and surprising new spaces. The more I think about this volley of bidding and turning towards / away / against, the more I recognize these bids throughout my day. People making bids towards me; me making bids to other people and towards ideals. The magic happens after the bid - in the turning towards. My hope is to continue turning towards people and curiosities, marveling at how this simple and powerful act can change a life.