Introversion

When I read this, it resonated, and I instantly felt relieved that I was not the only mutant of my kind.

The more I read and listen and learn about humans, the struggles of some that are the responsibility of all, our earth and how our separate and seemingly insignificant choices have the power to shift the needle one direction or the other, the more I fall in love with humanity and our power for change and good. But, individual people...they are definitely tricky for me.

I am deeply, profoundly introverted. Historically, I’ve mostly viewed this as a negative and wished I was different, but that’s just silly. Wishing to be something I am wholly not, that I don’t really want to be but just think I should want to be, is wasting the intention of who God created me to be. At gatherings and social events (I’m talking pre-Covid because let me tell you, giving up being social was not hard for this girl), I always want to be the one that gets along with everyone that can flow easily around the room like a butterfly, flitting effortlessly in and out of conversations. I am so not that person. I am the awkward one on the fringes clutching something (drink, husband, toddler, purse) obsessively checking the closest clock and doing mental time math about what is an acceptable amount of time to stay and, therefore, what time can I leave and end this misery. This is not weird or bad. I’m just extremely introverted and people wear me down to the bone.

The pandemic has caused me immeasurable amounts of anxiety, stress, and change. But not about this. This year has felt like a long, slow exhale from my release of social obligations. It has been freeing to not feel that pressure of doing things I’m completely uncomfortable doing for the sake of others. Post-pandemic (What does this even mean? Can anyone tell me? I wish the demarcation would be as clear and concrete as flipping to the other side of the coin. But, I fear it will be more like watercolors bleeding into each other...) I know I will once again join functions and spaces where I am not completely comfortable, but maybe my acceptance of my discomfort will ease the blow instead of heighten my already high anxieties with nonsense inner dialogue berating myself for not being like all the people around me having fun and enjoying themselves. Time will tell, but I have hope for my reticent and inhibited self.

Anyone quarantined with the exact same humans for days or months on end will, I anticipate, identify with this from Dostoyevsky. Brief scan of his bio says he went through some heavy stuff as have we all this past year. While humans sometimes make me cringe, I am enamored with humanity.

“The more I love humanity in general the less I love man in particular. In my dreams, I often make plans for the service of humanity, and perhaps I might actually face crucifixion if it were suddenly necessary. Yet I am incapable of living in the same room with anyone for two days together. I know from experience. As soon as anyone is near me, his personality disturbs me and restricts my freedom. In twenty-four hours I begin to hate the best of men: one because he’s too long over his dinner, another because he has a cold and keeps on blowing his nose. I become hostile to people the moment they come close to me. But it has always happened that the more I hate men individually the more I love humanity.” - Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov